My Random Encounter With the Penis (Why Does This Always Happen To Me?)

1 Comment

Well that’s it people the day has dawned and I can officially say I have seen it all. Yes I know im only 30 and its kinda early to make that call but you don’t know what I saw today ! I like most have had my fair share of random arse sightings, flashes of naked boob even a little snatch but hey who hasn’t ? anyone over the age of 18 who hasn’t been to a strip club may not have but I know the rest of you can say aside from and outside of your general sexual encounters you have seen or witnessed random acts of nudity.

From being mooned at schoolies week or seeing a random boob on the beach we have all experienced that moment where the realisation dawns that you are in the presence of naked parts and it’s not bloody intentional. Now for some of you that may have been a happy or pleasantly surprising experience. I will admit that a naked flash of random arse on the beach of some hot life saver is not something I am offended by, I will even go so far as to admit that in my younger days pre baby and life partner I even enjoyed a little random nudity.

But those times have passed !!! I am now a happily settled Mother and Spouse I do not spend my weekends cruising the beaches or getting blind in nightclubs in the hope of a little random perving. Today as I innocently made my way home from work I stupidly thought I would drop in to my local service station and get some milk…….Ohhhhh how stupid I was! It was not my mission the get milk that yielded penis oh no-no. After I payed for my milk and hopped back into my car and drove to the exit of aforementioned servo I was visually assaulted and I do mean assaulted by a random flash of naked man. Penis and all.

There I was going about my day just trying to make it home without any trauma and BAM penis ! A local man who lives near me apparently decided to do a nudie run out into his front yard god knows what for but there it was in all its hideousness his penis. Small shrivelled and obviously suffering a little from the cold Brisbane weather.

The worst part of it was that not only was I affronted by the penis, but then he saw that he was busted and took off at warp speed, cock and balls flying and ran up his front steps only to assault my vision with a lovely view of his hairy ass crack. Ohh what joy. A fat, jowly, hirsute man running naked right in my line of sight.

Just when I thought it was safe to wear my new and very fabulous glasses I am confronted by that ! So not only did I see the penis but I saw it in all its glory. Up close and way too personal. I foresee a need for some intensive therapy in my not too distant future. I may need sedatives just to continue writing this blog post. It’s not every day that you see a penis and it’s not every day that you see one running free in the front yard of a neighbours home.

It’s quite funny really and im not sure whether to thank my Boss or to mercilessly berate her but today of all days, she was late to take over for me in the shop. Thus making me perfectly timed to witness the horror of seeing my neighbour running out into his front yard stark naked. Why me you may be asking yourself but the better observation would be why always you ? Yes that’s right people this is not my first traumatising encounter with random acts of nudity. I am a shit magnet for freaks and weirdos. I seem to attract them, lucky me huh !

I have been mooned at the coast, and witnessed far too many shrivelled and shrunken penises on the beach to count. I don’t know why I seem to attract these people but if like me you too are a shit magnet I have decided to start a support group for sufferers of random nudity.

Yes that’s right I am, I think its time that we who have suffered that trauma and indignity of being assaulted with the image of unwanted penis to band together and share our suffering. I shall call this support group. P.A.I.N which stands for People Against Indecent Nudity. Its time to stand up and say NO to random nudie runs to the front yard, NO to people who think that its ok to flash unsuspecting people in car parks (I’ve suffered that too) No to old men undressing on the beach and NO to people showering nude on public beaches. Australia does not want to see your shrivelled bits and neither do I !

Cover up people for the sake of humanity and the future of the human race. The world needs reproduction to continue and if you continue to flash you ugly naked parts you threaten that very future! No one wants to see your wrinkled hairy arse ! So for the future of the country and for the sake of my eyes put some pants on I beg you ! Its only kind.

BlondiieC

Advertisements

Would The Real Can Do Campbell Please Stand Up ?

Leave a comment

Well the shit hath hiteth the faneth in the words of Shakespeare (ok so im paraphrasing a little). But today (somewhat inevitably some would say) The Fake Can Do Campbell was outed on Twitter and I am not the first nor will I be the last to be not only saddened by this, but to be outraged ! Yes outraged ! Come on people ! Cant anyone take a joke anymore ?

The Twittersphere went ballistic today with people claiming left right and centre to be the fake Campbell in an act of support to someone whose tweets we have all come to enjoy.  The Fake Campbell is funny, insightful and lets face it a lot more interesting than the real person.

I recently got to interview the Fake Campbell and he is great ! The sad thing that has clouded the issue is that people were so concerned with finding out who the imposter is that a lot of people have missed the point !

None of that matters ! Not who he is or what he does for a job when he isn’t being funny on Twitter what matters is that people felt like they were getting a say. People felt as though finally they were being heard ! Whether or not the real Campbell Newman ever read it was beside the point for most followers.

Like me most people enjoyed the opportunity to have a whinge and say what they really think. And now because someone decided to play silly games a lot of people may lose that opportunity and I for one think thats a real shame !

Now we can all sit back and potentially lose something that made us all smile because some snotty brat couldnt shut up ! Clearly they havent read my blog post “If You Cant Say Anything Nice Then Shut The Hell Up”. Why did we all have to know? Wouldnt it have been better and a lot more fun if he had remained nameless ? Do we always have to know the identity behind the caped crusader ?

I mean come on people you will all admit that Spiderman is way hotter in the suit then when he is Toby Maguire right ? Or Bruce Wayne ? Not to mention Catwoman without the secret identity and that hot catsuit she is just a shy retiring nerdy secretary !

A little mystery is good for people it makes life more exciting, it gives us all a little thrill. And I know your all nodding your heads right now cos lets face it a little kinky role-playing between consenting adults is never a bad thing. Now ok so maybe Can Do Campbell role-playing isnt sexy and admittedly if you find it kinky ill be a little concerned, it’s the premise behind it. Without the mystery it’s just not as dangerous and therefore not quite as fun.

I for one hope that because of one big mouth we don’t lose this funny, entertaining twitter feed! Its kept me laughing and smiling and its given a lot of people a voice. And I guess for all you weirdos out there who think Campbell is sexy its given you something to perve on you sick freaks ! (but who am I to judge?)

Damn the Man save the Fake Campbell ! At least he is funny !

BlondiieC (A Fake Campbell devotee)

xox

P.s If you want to read my interview with the Fake Campbell Newman it’s under the Interview category and If you want to read more about all of this then keep your eyes peeled because like the good little thing I am I have already asked the Fake Campbell for another interview so he can address the backlash and he has kindly agreed ! So watch this space people I promise you wont be disappointed !

Oh and Fake Campbell, I may not think that Campbell is sexy but you will always be a Bruce Wayne to me 😉

Tacky Religious Iconography……My Dirty Little Secret

Leave a comment

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

OK here and now I’m going to reveal one of my guiltiest, dirtiest little secrets, not even my family really grasps the full meaning of this obsession ! It’s a little sick and rather perverse really but I have a massive addiction to religious iconography. Yep you did read that correctly!

The weirdest part of that ? I’m not religious! Yep not a bit. Dont get me wrong I was raised by a Father and Mother who did all the right things I went to a religious all girls school, my father was raised a good catholic and my Mum certainly never had anything against religion. But for me I just don’t buy into it.

But I kind of wish I was religious ! Yes I know its strange but I do, I love religious iconography, I love the feeling you get when u enter a giant cathedral, I even like the hymns but only when they are in latin and I don’t have to hear the bullshit contained within them.

But truly I love it and the tackier the better. I’m pretty sure it all started when I was little maybe 4 or so and my Uncle John he was my favourite uncle ( he was a strict Italian catholic) gave me a miniature statue of the Vatican that lit up from inside. I loved it, I didn’t even know what the Vatican was but that little statue made me smile every time it lit up.

I have been on a quest to find a Virgin Mary nightlight for years and I love the saint candles, Yes its weird and I don’t really get it myself ! I am even into watching bizarre religious shows ! I love the ones with people who are Stigmata and the statues that cry real tears. WHY ? I don’t know !

I love the people who have saved food items that have images of Jesus and Mary on them too. I find it all completely fascinating ! Its tragic and weird I know ! But I know I’m not alone in this obsession and I know it’s not just people who are religious who love it either ! So for you people like me who love it or for the people who just find it all totally bizarre I have included a slideshow of pictures for your amusement ! 😉

Hope you like the pics this is my Easter gift to everyone hahahahaha

BlondiieC

xox

Easter – Meaningful or obsolete ? You decide !

3 Comments

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Well naturally its the Easter long weekend otherwise why else would I be writing about it. This year my daughter is 22 months old for Easter and as such I am not really doing anything to celebrate the holiday (mean mummy right). I don’t think encouraging a near two-year old to gorge herself on sugar is the wisest idea for me or for her. (It could only end in tears)

But it got me thinking about Easter and the whole mess this holiday has turned into. Every year we make the same complaints, “Christmas has only been over for two days and already the stocks of chocolate bunnies and easter eggs are filling the shelves as far as the eye can see”.”We only just got over Christmas now we have to worry about Easter already? ” Now I’m as much of a chocaholic as anyone else and I will admit I do dance a little jig every time I see Cadbury Cream Eggs back on shelves, but at what point does this extreme push by huge stores get too much? When does the meaning get lost and it all becomes about the chocolate?.

How many kids honestly know why we celebrate Easter ? How many adults for that matter fully grasp the meaning ? When we are readying ourselves for long weekends and holidays and chocolate overload do we stop and think about why it’s happening ? No. Not really.

I mean sure there are those in the community that make a yearly pilgrimage to church and give thanks before drowning in a sea of chocolate and there are among us, the truly devout who see Easter as a time of grief and a time of celebration.

Now I will freely admit I am not in either of those categories. I am the person who sits home, eats chocolate, enjoys the long weekend and thinks nothing of some dude that died over 2000 years ago. Now that’s not to say I don’t believe or I have an issue with people who do. But what gets to me is, If we are all so caught up in Easter and all that it symbolises then why are we eating chocolate eggs ? or chocolate bunnies ? (P.s bunnies don’t lay eggs, just saying).

Why don’t we gorge on chocolate Jesus figurines or giant chocolate crucifixes? I mean come on, if you want to say thanks why are you eating something that represents nothing to do with the reason we are all enjoying a few days off ? Is it crass to consume a chocolate shrine to Jesus ? Would he be offended ? I think not. And yes I mean that but, hear me out because I know all you Christians out there are shaking your heads in disbelief at me.

I don’t think that the old JC would be sitting up there thinking OH MY those heathens are eating my image, ( I mean we drink wine and eat bread to symbolise him don’t we? ) I think if anything he would be sitting up there thinking “WTF you selfish morons, Do I look like a damn bunny? ) Ok so maybe he wouldn’t swear but you get my drift don’t you.

But let’s get it straight. Jesus died some 2000 years ago because none of us could behave ourselves and so he died to save us and to cleanse us of our sins, one of which is greed yes greed interesting huh. He didn’t die so we could have days off and eat, (another sin which is gluttony) no, he died so we would be admitted to heaven, So why in Gods name (sorry I had to pun it wouldn’t have been funny if I didn’t) are we sitting around eating eggs and bunnies ? They are symbols of a Pagan festival that’s right Pagan. Now Christians, they don’t like Pagans in spite of stealing half their religion and changing it to suit themselves but hey that’s another story all together 😉

So why do we eat eggs and bunnies? Why not mini choccie Jesus or Mary’s ? Just think you could get a whole boxed set of the twelve disciples complete with Jesus all in chocolate ! Is it because it would be sacrilege to eat Jesus ? no it’s because we blindly take whatever is thrown at us and we buy into it. I mean when else in the year would you be willing to pay three-times as much for a quarter of the quantity of chocolate just cause it’s a cute shape ?

Now I’m not saying we should ditch Easter and im certainly not saying we should all start saying our hallelujahs if we don’t believe, I’m just saying think about it. Are u buying chocolate because you believe, are you buying it because you like chocolate or are you buying it because stores guilt us into spending our hard-earned cash on pretty foil wrapped treats, because thousands of years ago some guy died and they saw an opportunity to make some dollars out of it ?

I will of course blindly shop for chocolate treats in the shape of eggs and bunnies next year when my daughter knows what Easter is and I can’t get away with ignoring it any more,(I’m not completely heartless) but I hope that at some point she grows up to question, not just the meaning of Easter but of all these consumer driven holidays.I hope that she grows up and takes a minute to decide for herself if she will play in to the hands of corporate giants or if she will like me forsake the Easter shaped chocolate and say no to something that has gotten warped beyond belief.

I know for me I did all the wrong things this year I ate red meat on Good Friday and I wont wake up tomorrow thanking Jesus for saving me from untold burning hell, No of course I wont. I will wake up and eat some chocolate and say thanks to the powers that be for giving me and my boyfriend five days off together but I certainly wont be thinking about JC. Do I feel bad about that ? Nope not really. Do I think that even half of the population of Australia will stop and think about JC tomorrow ? Nope I don’t!  I think most people will do the same as me.

Whatever you’re doing tomorrow I hope that you have some special time with family and friends and I hope that you enjoy your time together, because lets face it whether you believe or not, we should all be thankful that we get to spend some time with our families. That we get to share our abundance of food with each other and that we get to live a life that is for the most part free of pain and suffering and full of love. Because that’s the true meaning for non believers, its a time to share with people you love and enjoy some relaxation.

I hope that everyone has a great day tomorrow. I know for me I may not go to church and give thanks but in my way I’m grateful that I get to share some time with people I love. And so I’ll say JC if your up there…….Thanks, I love chocolate and holidays and long weekends and if there is a Hell I hope im not going there, not for eating chocolate bunnies anyway.

BlondiieC

xox

As an aside I should say here I do not wish to offend anyone or make a joke of peoples beliefs, I just wish people would think!

Interview with the FAKE Campbell Newman

4 Comments

This week I took the time to interview someone who I have wanted to know more about for quite some time now. I am a fairly political person and I find a great amusement from anyone who is willing to stand up to traditional politics with their middle finger firmly extended. And this is what the Fake Campbell Newman is doing but not just to the Real Campbell Newman but to politics as a whole.

He gets more genuine feedback from punters around Brisbane than real politicians and a lot of it is truly helpful and insightful suggestions. Perhaps if the real pollies spent as much time engaging with voters as the fake ones do we would have a more efficiently run government, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking?

I hope you enjoy reading this interview as much as I enjoyed putting it all together for you. I think the Fake Campbell Newman is someone for people to keep their eye on, because whether you agree with what he is doing you have to admit he is damn funny !

Well first I know everyone wants to know, you could impersonate anyone why Campbell Newman ?

There were some big issues that I didn’t agree with, but it was a couple of little               ones that tipped me over the edge. Also my wife went away for a few days and I was bored…..

You seem to have a lot of insider information from the LordMayors office and now from inside the campaign for state parliament, how much can you tell us about how you come into possession of this information?

Over the last few months, I have discovered quite a few people within the organisations that feel they need a voice, but their positions mean that they  that they can’t come out publicly. I can say what ever I want and that gives a lot of freedom. Kinda like a mini wiki leaks, but without being run by a creepy dude who looks like an escapee from “Children of the Corn”

Recently there has been a lot of interest surrounding you identity, will you ever reveal who you really are ?
Whats the point of finding out who I am? I am really nobody. And who I am is not important, it’s the message that is.
You get a lot of attention from your Twitter followers, Have you had any bizarre feedback or requests ?
I’ve had a few folk who seem to think I am a “Stooge for The Young ALP” They are wrong on all counts. I aint a stooge, I aint young, and I have never been a member of the ALP or any other political party….
There was recently some very negative feedback from the LNP what is your response to that ?
They can kiss my hairy arse. Some grumpy old grey-headed Luddites, who seem to think they run the show. How fucking wrong they are.

 Your twitter followers send a lot of genuine feedback about services in Brisbane especially about projects like the Clem 7 tunnel and City Cycle, does any of that find its way back to the “real” Campbell Newman ?
Only if he reads my twitter feed. Which I highly doubt. These guys don’t listen. They tell. And therein lies the biggest issue. 

There is a growing number of “fake” politicians online now why do you think they are so popular?
Australia has a great history of larrikins. And taking the piss out off self-important wankers.

 Is there any truth to the rumour that you are a member of the very successful band Tism ?
I wish I was. I have long admired those guys. One of Australia’s greatest comedic talent

People have drawn a comparison between you and such comic heroes as Batman/Bruce Wayne, is it you intention to be a crusader of sorts ?
Crusader is a funny term, but I prefer mischief-maker. And I really like the interaction with the great people who follow me.

And finally can you give us a hint to your real identity ?
Well I certainly ain’t Lady GaGa, and I am really not Justin Bieber. Oh and for the record, I am NOT John Birmingham either. He is way smarter than me at this writing caper.

A BIG thank-you to the Fake Campbell Newman for agreeing to be interviewed and for the great feedback ! This was a funnier and stranger interview than what I’m used too but I have to say I enjoyed the process a lot! 
I love anyone who will stand up and have a say about what they are passionate about and I think this is the way of the future, if people wont start to listen to what people want, well we will have to find a way to make them listen ! 
BlondiieC
xox

Catherine Deveny – God is Bullshit – Blogs I love !

Leave a comment

 

 

Anyone who is on twitter these days will know who Catherine Deveny, Famous for her hilarious, informative and challenging views on God, the Universe and everything in between. Catherine Deveny has made a name for her self with her brutal honesty and no holds barred jokes. She is appearing this month for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival with her hugely successful show God is Bullshit.

Catherine is famous for her antics last year and her subsequent sacking from her job for tweeting during the Logies. And lets face it, she said what most people were thinking but just weren’t brave enough to say. This year Logies organisers have banned the use of mobile phones during the Logies telecast to avoid Twitter feeds going off in the way they did last year. ABC’s The Drum today asked Catherine Deveny to comment on how she feels about The Logies banning mobile phone use and I have included the link to this article so you can see her response.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly will know I’m a huge fan of outspoken women ( being one myself at times) and Catherine Deveny is one of the most outspoken women in Australia at the moment. With her atheist views winning new followers everyday and her impassioned work for charities and underdogs who are treated poorly in the work place, she is a woman to be admired. Whether you agree with her or not, she is hilarious, witty and says exactly what she is thinking!

I know many who love Catherine as much as I do and many who fear her also. But why fear someone who is willing to speak their truth and not be intimidated ? If you don’t like her views don’t listen. But if like me you find her hilarious then follow the links I’ve included it’s a great laugh and very informative reading !

 

http://www.catherinedeveny.com/

http://nochicksnoexcuses.com.au/catherine-deveny-writer-comedian-social-commentator/

 

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/56562.html

 

BlondiieC

xox

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGoNpIJMJ8M

Ikea’s answer to Stonehenge

Leave a comment

See now you can’t mock my love of Ikea otherwise known as shopping mecca. They have solutions for EVERYTHING ! even Stonehenge yep you hear me Stonehenge hahaha !

We have spent years trying to fathom the mystery of this ancient structure yet here it is explained in simple easy to understand directions and of course all available in flat pack !

 

http://dornob.com/ikea-henj-8-step-diy-instruction-manual-for-stonehenge/

Older Entries